they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
