I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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