U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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