Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize