My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
