I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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