in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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