I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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