how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
