If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize