There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
