How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
