We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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