Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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