dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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