I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
