I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You are a genius and a whore.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
