im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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