sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
