dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
