You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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