she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
