whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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