I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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