ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I checked into jail on foursquare
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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