Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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