She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
