If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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