do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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