Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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