Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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