I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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