I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
