I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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