If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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