he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Found your dick twin last night
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize