Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
40s are totally the cure
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
So much Jack, so little girl.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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