i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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