Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
