if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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