I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'm at about main and main street
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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