Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
