omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
