i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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