Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
