woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
This toilet bowl is my home.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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