You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
