if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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