I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
