so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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