the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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