I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
