I think scott just propositioned me for sex
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
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