oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
