we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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