I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
