when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
