the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
