I wish my penis had an off switch
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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