My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
