Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Randomize