your parents love me but you hate me
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
as a side note pls kill me
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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