I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize