His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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