i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
