Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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