I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
