Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
