would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Randomize
